3:45 GMT (Blast Off)

It’s about time! I remember now how infuriating those NASA bureaucrats and their blasted red tape are when you want to get anything done. This is my ship, not theirs, dang-it, so what’s the big deal? That aside, my work on studying the Flange Orbits is under way! Our take off was a tad premature (countdown clock malfunctioned — study problem later), but Kurt and I made it into orbit in one piece and I’ve adjusted the trajectory to counter for the early launch. We were heading straight for the Sun, but we’re okay now. The mission is scheduled for five days and already I can see Kurt’s desire to return to Earth.

I’ve decided to keep this journal to record the significant events of the expedition in their proper order. (Self Note: Just the material that will assist the nominating committee of the Nobel Institute in recognising me for my contributions to Astronomical Research.) If anything of an extraordinary nature happens while we’re up here, I’ll put it in this log.

THINK OF IT!! We’re now in orbit and my instruments will prove to the scientific community the existence of Flange Orbits... the most revolutionary discovery of the cosmos since Einstein’s time/space work (relativity speaking). I’m going to be listed with the greats— Copernicus, Gallileo, Mark Hamill! Mother would have been so proud..

2:43pm GMT

Big disappointment. Flange Orbits do NOT exist. My work at the observatory (terrestrial viewpoint, WHAT was I thinking?) must have altered the instrument’s perceptions, somehow. Have decided to stay up here until I discover SOMETHING of use to the scientific community (beats returning to Earth to face massive amounts of criticism and ridicule). My reputation as a scientist is at stake here!

At least now I have plenty of time to dedicate to my research and discoveries, this time, NOT having to worry about atmospheric distortion effects. I have plenty of raw materials to work with, (what with the now surplus Flange Orbit survey equipment), to create incredible new inventions. I’ve already started dismantling them (okay, maybe not in the most scientific manner). The Flange Thermos was the first to go — we needed to use the exxxxtttraaaaa powwwweeeeerrrrr..... Heeeeyy...Wwwwhhhhy iisssss iitttt ssssooooo cc-ccc-cccoooolldd?????? Gotttt tttoo fiiixxxxxxxx......

Okay, scratch the re-do on the Flange Thermos. I’ve told Kurt about my decision to stay up here for a while longer. He was reluctant at first, but once I showed him that the VCR was programmable, he loosened up a bit. I expect my work to last only another week or so. I’m going to need a little more help around here (Robot?? Self Note — check files on robotics.) Halfway through my temper tantrum with the above-mentioned equipment, I noticed that I also dismantled the clock. I’ll have to fix it later..

(Not Sure) GMT

My coffee-making robot — Mr. Robot, was a dismal failure. It radioed the small village of Burnage, England, and threatened to “burn-it-to-the-ground,” all the while destroying vast portions of the ship. As it was smashing the coffee maker into a hand made parachute, Kurt subdued it with a positronic “Mickey” as he calls it. Good lad. (Self-Note: Check files, any known use for heroism in space?) Well, there goes another year of work down the drain.

He’s still mad at me (Kurt, not Mr. Robot), and avoids both contact and conversation. He mutters on and on about “running out of tape, y’know...” and generally sulks about the ship. Why he spends so much time in front of the TV instead of just looking at the cosmos is beyond me. Like there is anything more breathtaking than the Universe itself?

(Really Not Sure) GMT

Young Kurt is pretty upset... avoids me like the plague most of the time. Says he’s bored. “Nothing to do in this tin can.” TIN CAN!!?? Harrumph!! Okay, so I used plenty of recycled aluminum cans in the hull, but, please, Tin?? He really needs to think of this ship as his home.

Well, on to better news! I’ve started work on a genetically engineered “worker dog” who will be more than my right hand up here. I’ll give him the bulk of the chores (that should lighten Kurt’s mood a bit), and teach him the fine art of listening. If nothing else, it should give Kurt someone else to talk to. I think I’ll call him “Bones.”

(?) GMT

Almost a year now since I built Bones and he’s been a boon to me. Kurt insists on calling him Max (why, I’ll never know), and his spirits have been lifted greatly. I think I gave Bones too much intelligence though, because he actually resents having to do any work around here. Although I did not install vocal cords (Thank the stars!), his little body pouts with the best of them.

Other than “fixing” things on the station, Bones spends the majority of his time studying books and tending his vegetable patch which he built on top of the ship. (Self-Note: Research project - Simulated life forms and their study habits: What gives?) Other than expressing disdain from time to time, Bones works out well for a six-armed dog. (When I programmed the computer to design him to be an efficient assistant, it added two more arms to him. Go figure.) It wasn’t my idea, but he sure moves around at a good clip and the extra paws really come in handy for communication. He developed his own form of sign language 2 weeks after he was created. He gets very excited sometimes and when he tries to “sign” us in an agitated state, it looks like he’s trying to put out a fire.

Bones has not only mastered the majority of functions of the space ship but he’s also fixed the coffee machine! Bright dog, indeed! Well, until you consider we don’t actually have any coffee left... A little on the high-strung side, Bones tries to do everything at once. (How do you mellow-out a cyber dog?) Bones tries to fulfil our wishes, which is noble and good, but he doesn’t quite wait until we voice them. Kurt finds him most amusing and has grown close to the fellow. I’d make another one, but those particular parts are getting scarce and the last thing we need up here is two of those little guys starting a brush fire with their frenetic sign language. (Self-Note: I did put the cat out before I left, right?)

(?) GMT

BIG NEWS!! I think I’ve discovered something that dwarfs the Flange Orbit theory that brought us up here in the first place!! An electric anomaly has manifested in the fringe areas of our galaxy. Alien life, perhaps, or is it merely an electric anomaly that has manifested in the fringe areas of our galaxy? This requires a greater degree of study than I can devote to, so Bones had to pick up the slack while I concentrate on my other keen experiments (I’m right in the middle of developing a nuclear-blast proof automatic page turner! YOW!) For an odd looking dog, he certainly comes in handy. With his assistance, I feel sometimes that I can be in two places at once.

(?) GMT

I’m continuing my study of the strange electronic “Stream” effect that now seems to be hopping from one planet to the next, towards the inner planets of the system. After some intense studying and brilliant calculations, I’ve determined that this phenomenon (the electrical streams) are truly gigantic in size! You see, my research indicates the farther away an object is, the smaller it appears to the human eye — the only exception, of course, is the Sun. With this knowledge at my disposal, I hypothesise that the stream is not growing in mass, but actually coming our direction at an alarming rate of speed!

Okay, Bones and I are doing the studying... It actually looks like it’s coming close enough to our position to allow us to study it close up. (Self Note: It’s as if the force behind the stream had been studying our system before entering it.) I’ve notified Earth of my findings, (heck, I even sent them a basket of Bones’ oranges), yet, they all seem unconcerned. Hey, it’s their barbecue...

Oh, that’s better! I’ve always hated that pen. Now, as I was sayin....... ARRRGGHHH! We’ve been hit!!! The stream is here..... Earth is in direct path must— warn— no— time— AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

No GMT Not much happening today, I actually got a chance to sleep in for a change. The place is a mess! Bones is really shirking his duties.

Weird dream last night. Something about all humans having an evil twin in the form of a masked chicken. Sure it’s weird, but would it really be all that bad a reality shift?????????

No GMT

Dammit!! The streams!! I completely forgot!!!

DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!

Bones was able to fix the monitor so we could observe the devastation via television. The aftereffects of the invasion include a gigantic black and white storm that looks identical to television static. How long will it last? The people of Earth have been taken over by an alien force known as the Streamriders, led by a being known as Gunter Glut. Their plan is quite simple, really — they drive around massive Mining Cities (Miles in diameter!) and consume all matter underneath. They are after either the rich mineral and metal deposits of the major cities of Earth or our potato harvests and nothing but scorched, blackened ground is left in their wake.

Why do they always pick the most populated areas for their attacks!!?? Why, can you tell me, Why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? Why??

Earth’s defence forces are shattered. Anyone at this point who escaped destruction is in no condition to mount a counter-offensive. Thanksgiving is cancelled. I guess it’s up to me to reclaim the planet for humanity. (Self Note: Where did I put the hot-glue gun?)

Journal Entry 00.0603

Due to my advanced years and Bones’ extra arms (disqualifying him from even fitting in the suit), Kurt has been elected as hero. This will give me the time I need to supervise the work effort and invent new items for use in battle against the Streamriders. I’ve been working day and night on his equipment and suit (Thank the stars the coffee machine was fixed!), and now it’s up to Kurt to save the remaining population from complete annihilation.

Luckily, most of my inventions (in one form or another) were in storage from my work over the last few years. A few tweaks here, a couple of amps there and he’ll be ready for action. Bones has been assisting me in getting the suit (and Kurt) in battle-ready condition. I guess this is it...

BY DR. FLUKE HAWKINS

All right my boy, let’s get started. You’ve been briefed by Bones (Code name: Handy) on the mission, so here are some additional notes. Remember, we’re counting on you!

DR. HAWKINS “AMAZING” COIL SUIT:

Due to the hostile environments you are about to enter, what with the aliens shooting at anything that moves, really, I thought you could use some mobile armour plating (that doesn’t chafe). This is a special suit and a darned tough one at that. It has to be, actually, because Bones and I have determined that the best way for you to gain access to the Mining Cities is via free fall from space through the atmosphere. This Coil Suit was developed by me using revolutionary materials and my nuclear-blast-proof sewing machine. You will find it most useful in repelling the side-effects of direct hits from enemy fire and fast moving projectiles (i.e., bullets, missiles, bees, etc.). They won’t actually penetrate the suit, but they’ll leave a nasty welt or two. A few bruises aside, you’ll outlast the enemy if you use this suit and act with stealth, not bravado. I’ve tried it on myself and it’s got a real comfy fit. Sorry, son, it only comes in black.

DR. HAWKINS “INCREDIBLE” RIBBON CHUTE:

Now, you’ll notice a small lump on the shoulder... this is nothing, but the larger mass in the centre of your back is the Ribbon Chute. This is an invention of mine that I can’t wait to see tested! (Sorry, Kurt — I had no time to try this out.) All indications show that it should work. Use it to retard your gravitational access to the ground. Open and retract it as often as you want. There’s a built-in safety feature that prevents you from accidentally setting it off while you’re on the ground. Now for the fun stuff...

GUNS

Kurt, you’re going to have to brace yourself for this. You are about to embark on a mission that involves more action than, say, negotiation. Okay, all action and no negotiation. Those aliens down there look hell-bent on doing their business and they pretty much mow down anyone and anything in their path. This being the case, your tools of communication with them involve you using the firepower I give you to introduce them to the afterlife.

I know you’re not big on the “killing thing” as you call it, but frankly, if you ever want to park a car with a lady friend again, well, you’ll have to execute this mission with extreme prejudice. Our initial intelligence indicates that it is possible to sneak past the sentries on your way to the control room of each “Mine Crawler”, but that means you’ll always be looking over your shoulder. It’s really up to you to get the job done. I trust you’ll do the right thing.

So here’s the arsenal you’ll start with:

DR. HAWKINS “EXTRAORDINARY” CHAIN-GUN:

First-off, we have a multi-use, single purpose (killing aliens), weapon that was fashioned from a recovered satellite. Self-explanatory, really, it’s a hand held gun that unleashes a goodly portion of ammo in the direction you MDK point it. Due to my work with gyroscopes and dental floss, it has the singular remarkable feature of being adjustable to fit right onto your helmet to become...

DR. HAWKINS “INEFFABLE” SNIPER GUN:

Here’s the cool part - you can attach the chain-gun to your faceplate and it morphs into a long range sniper gun! This is another one of my almost-tested inventions (it should work, Kurt, trust me, the figures don’t lie). I originally had this in mind for bird spotting, but when attached to a sniper’s rifle, I’m afraid the general temptation to graze the hind feathers off the birds was too much.

But as I’m sure you’re aware, Kurt, some of the best inventions come from failed attempts at something else. (Look at Bones.) Remember, son, you can never look a gifted horse in his house - and this piece of philosophy has been my blessing in life.

So, you got the gun(s), you got the suit... Now the mission itself. Read on lad, I’ve titled it “MISSION: DELIVER KINDNESS”

STOP THE BIG MINE CRAWLERS

INTELLIGENCE REPORT I: From what our Intelligence sources indicate (You got me, it’s me and Bones looking at things from our lab), each Mining City is equipped with a master pilot. Knock this guy off and by all reasoning, the whole shebang comes to screeching halt. I give Bones the credit for theorising that the cessation of motion triggers their immediate departure from Earth via the Stream and hopefully back wherever they came from. He’s probably right about that so get ready to jump ship when that happens.

INTELLIGENCE REPORT II: It has come to our attention that some people are clever (i.e., Intelligent), while others are not so, or in this case, (unintelligent).

TIME CONSIDERATIONS I: There’s no delicate way to put this — the longer you take to complete your mission, the more people will die. Take too long and there’s not going to be any ladies left for you to park with... But, hey, no pressure, huh? You just have to keep focused on the job at hand and push those roaming alien slime-buckets off our planet. If you fail though (not that you will, mind you, Bones and I have all the confidence in the world in you, lad), but, say if you should happen to fail, then I can get right to work on my Mars Colonisation Project. As a back up, that’s all! You’re going to do fine, my boy, just fine!

TIME CONSIDERATIONS II: A clock.

MORGAN FREEMAN: A talented actor known for his charitable work with fish.

ENTRY I: Your initial departure involves an extended free fall into Earth’s atmosphere from our ship. The suit has been designed to protect you from re-entry burns, but you’ll have to avoid detection from the enemy’s radar. Once they lock-on to you they will make it very difficult to hit the ground as anything more sizable than a pile of ashes.

ENTRY II: A door.

RED RIDING HOOD: A remarkable story about a wolf who befriends three pigs all, coincidentally, named Sally. Bear this in mind if you ever want to get out of this alive!

EXTRACTION I: Here’s the story — I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to get you back up here. Sorry. With all the inventing, planning and redesigning going on up here, I just haven’t gotten to it yet. The good news is that by the time you stop the Streamrider’s invasion I should have this last little kink figured out. Trust me.

EXTRACTION II: A painful operation I’d rather not go in to.

THE CHEESE SANDWICH: A snack which is very easy to make and tastes delicious! It is greatly revered and often offered as a sacrifice in Neolithic Britain.

AIR SUPPORT: When you find yourself in desperate need of a Deus Ex Machina (or help from above), signal us and Bones will pilot the emergency shuttle in a an aerial assault on the enemies in your immediate vicinity. We can’t provide this service often because the shuttle is poorly armoured for this kind of mission (and I’ve grown accustomed to his help). Most of the ground forces will be focused on your incursion, so there’s a good chance Bones will be able to zip in, pepper the aliens and zip out again relatively unscathed. If you can handle all of the above, you’re ready to go.

09:47 am GMT, somewhere over Kirkaldy, Scotland

As you can see by the clock reading, (I fixed the clock so we know whut time it iz), now about the aliens— they can revert their beings from solid to pure energy, thereby transversing the electromagnetic STREAM that they use as an intergalactic freeway for there gargantuan Mining Cities. They strip the planets crust down past the bedrock whilst extracting minerals every second that they are allowed to do so, so its’ up to you to stop them from hurting the planet earth.

They are preparing the world for complete takeover and have run over some of the most famous ones in their treks:

Kirkaldy, Scotland

Igotskyrunsky, Russia

Perth, Australia

Chagrin Falls, Ohio

Crawley, England

Mill Valley, California

Oh the humanity, Kurtt, the humanity! Every second counts, you MUST save the Earth and cum back safe, safe, safe, because... um, you know, uh.... Wait a minute, I lost my train of thought. OH! That’s righht!

I want to see the world you grew up in cuz I have only seen pictures in the encyclopedia discs and I want to know more about more people and too. If you happen to find any female dogs whilst you ’re doown there, pleese bring her backwith you. I’m interested in meeting the species I came from before they become too extinct. Please save the world, buddy.

AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! QUICK, KURT!!! JUMP

OUT OF THE SHIP!!!!!!! NOW!!!

HURRYYY!!!!!!!!!

NO, NO!!!!!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!

PUT ON THE COIL SUITT FIRST!!!!!!!!

(that was a close one!!!!)

I know you’ll be thinking of me on your mission, no need to fear. I’m just a quick call away. You may wonder why I can’t be at your side during this deadly dangerous, perrillous, always-at-risk, lookout for the bad-guys in tights mission. You may scream defiantly at the wind for an answer WHY WHY WHY???

Here’s your answer — I don’t know. You know I want a world of peace wherre puppies can play in the sun and not worry about traffic on the interstate. I’m working for that goal up here with the Doctor. As far as fighting skills, do yu really want a spastic dog with extra limbs carrying near-nuclear weapons at YOUR SIDE???? Good. We’ll both do better this way, pal, truust me. Whoops! There’s the genius Doctor now, gotta go good luck don’t fake any wooden fish..........

Keep in mind, Kurt, that you are not alone in your mission. Although Bones and I are a mere 240 miles away, we’re right there with you all the way! I won’t rest until I can arm you with everything I can put together with my imagination and a some spare parts from the ship. New inventions will be coming your way as soon as I complete them. In fact, here’s the latest two:

The Very Large Hamster Hammer: A smashing success that will vibrate the ground in a 12.9 (Richter scale) simulated earthquake. Launch it and run like the dickens!

The World’s Most Interesting Bomb: This technology came from my research in motivating children to eat their vegetables, but now it certainly comes in handy in popping off the heads of alien invaders. Funny, eh? Just toss the bomb and watch ‘em come running to it! They maybe ruthless scavengers from space, but they have little chance of avoiding the alluring elements of this bomb! I’ve added sections to it that resemble the aliens themselves so you will not fall under the bomb’s near-hypnotic spell.

If I come up with anything else, I’ll have you test it “in the field” - that’s what they used to say in the military, isn’t it? As I won’t be there to explain most of the weapons I’m dropping down to you, I’ll try and make some kind of holographic projector to give you some clues as to their functions. The one thing they all will have in common is their ability to passively or aggressively allow you to separate the invaders from their current status as living creatures. Well, Kurt, this is it. It’s all up to you now. Don’t worry about Bones and me, we’ll keep busy up here. You just focus on the task at hand and you’ll do us proud!

Oh, and sorry about the round-trip snafu. I’ll figure out a way to get you back up here. Right now the smallest thing on the drafting table is about the size of a tank and you can’t possibly put that on your back... but we will have fresh biscuits and tea waiting for you once you get back and save the Earth and all. I mean, it’s the least we can do for a hero!

Oh, yes, and GET MOVING! Bones just dropped two special weapons down the chute and you’ll to catch up with them!! (I really need to develop a sedative for that dog!)

Now keep moving and keep your head down!